This will probably be inscribed on my tombstone one day. As much as I’ve had to talk about it in my lifetime, I am a self proclaimed expert in all aspects of it.
(Dream music...) It all began as a child on a farm…It was my destiny that my life would be centered around poop. Cows - their deposits are called cow pies - worst pies ever! Pig poop? Gas mask worthy. Chickens are walking bags of poop - covered in feathers. Oh, sorry - from the time that I could begin to talk my mother had us call that “chicken squat.” Maybe that just sounded better to her? Because we went barefoot so much, there were many times that we had the lovely experience of squashing squat between our toes. And I’ve been thinking of getting chickens again…
Off to college I went. I would refer to this subject as “defecation” now that I was more sophisticated and all. I hardly had to talk about it at all now as I was no longer a “farm girl.” I was a big city girl now and no longer had to shovel poop - er, defecation.
And then I got married and had a whole string of babies. The time span between the first baby and seventh was 17 years so we stretched it out for a REALLY long time. We were back to poop - lots of it! My days consisted of cleaning it up, monitoring it (not good when we experienced constipation - that’s a whole other chapter regarding poop), and then long periods of cheering on toddlers who were learning to send their poopie down the toilet - no more diapers! I will say that I am extremely grateful that I never experienced children who go through the dreaded stage of “poop painting” their surroundings with what they find in their diapers. God only gives one what he thinks they are strong enough to handle...
Mentioning God, and having been mired in this whole poop thing for a while, I have a suggestion for Him. I think his creation is wonderful, but there’s just one tiny design flaw I’d like to talk to him about. Why didn’t he make human poop like rabbit poop? Hardly any odor, nice little round balls that would just roll right out of a diaper...I’m thinking God didn’t want to spend too much time thinking about poop, either. Or, it could be part of the Adam and Eve thing - not only were they sent out of the garden for their disobedience, but their children would provide a means of humbling them - diapers!
The oldest child is almost 25 and the youngest has turned 8 years old. The kids are just about done talking about poop (not completely). And now my mother-in-law, who lives with us, gets to tell someone about her bowel movements. I’m usually the one she tells - it’s not something she’d feel comfortable telling her son. Besides, I am the Poop Guru.
I suppose this whole movement in writing was begun by a comment by my neighbor the other day. “Did you know that your poop isn’t supposed to float?” We were discussing medical issues and I did learn something new about poop. And here I thought I knew it all. Apparently, although Hope Floats, your BMs are not supposed to - it signals either a lactose intolerance, a lack of fiber in one’s diet or too fatty a diet, among other possible reasons. There is a whole science (Poopology - you might need to google this to double check me) dedicated to diagnosing a patient’s well-being just from observing their stool.
I know this stinks, but I’m just about flush out of time - I’ve got to take care of the rabbits. What does that involve, you ask? Of course, I’m going to be shoveling...well...you know what...
If this article has just left you plumb pooped with all that it’s dumped on you, then here are some great places to go where you won’t feel so wiped out: